The Mortality in Immortality
by Eco Lin
Summary: Jack's thoughts as he watches someone he loves dying. This summary doesn't do it justice. COE spoilers and you know it. Oneshot and my first fic. Please read, it's better than it sounds. Thanks for the reviews I've already gotten.


**Author's note: **So this is my first fic and it was just something I typed up after seeing Day 4 of COE, which I know came out awhile ago, but I was really torn up by seeing Ianto dying like that. BTW, references Janto, don't like, don't read...

**The Mortality in Immortality**

Immortality is not true to its definition at all. It supposedly means that one lives forever, until the end of time. I stopped living a long time ago. In reality, immortality is like dying slowly of a broken heart.

For a short sweet time, I thought I could bear it... my past, present, and indefinite future, just as long as you were there for me. Still, we always knew that our time together would have to be cut to an end, but I never thought, not this soon, not like this. I wanted so bad to see you live a long life full of perfect experiences and adventures. You had one lifetime; I've had thousands of lifetimes. But, if I could give away my immortality just to see your shy smile just one more day, I would in an instant, but I can't.

Now, I can only regret not being with you for every second possible. How could I have taken your life for granted? I thought we would have time for words and declarations. Now, I realize I was wrong. Now, too late, I've realized I missed out on you, Ianto Jones, and what could have been.

I'm so scared. How am I supposed to lose you without losing the most human part of me? I should have known better. I keep watching people I love die and then just when I think my heart can't take one more blow, it happens again, each new cut deeper and rawer than the last. The feelings of fear, guilt, and denial in this moment are so familiar, but never had they been more unwanted. Why did you have to come with me here? What was I thinking? You should've stayed with Gwen, safe, but now, here you are, falling into my arms.

You feel so heavy, so weak. My heart falls so much farther than the rest of me as I kneel with your limp body in my embrace. I don't want to believe this is happening, I try to ignore how pale you are and how far away your eyes look. I don't think I ever told you how beautiful your eyes are, even now.

You're trying to make me feel better, like you've always tried to do. However, this time, I don't feel much better. Then you say the phrase I hoped you wouldn't say, the phrase that crushes me and breaks my heart; it's the phrase I want to say more than anything, but I can't do it. I can't tell you how much I love you, Ianto Jones, because then I will be admitting that I never knew until now how special you are, how much you've changed me, and how this is goodbye, forever.

No, I can't admit it, I can't tell you truth because I'll be admitting surrender; I'll be giving up. No, I'm going to stay with you until the very end.

God, no. Don't close your eyes Ianto, please. Please, don't give in. Stay with me, Ianto. Stay with me. Please, please, please... I have so much I never told you. Please don't leave me yet, I love you so much...

God, when you eyes open again, they look so dull, so lifeless already. I already feel like your life is slipping away from me even now.

We make small talk, but all I want to do is try to tell you the words I want to say before it's too late, but they won't come out. All I can manage is that I'll remember you. It seems like a joke, a stupid second place prize instead of the words I really mean, but somewhere in me, I can feel something stirring, a determined fire...

I will not forget you, Ianto Jones. Never. I have lived thousands of lives, loved hundreds of people, but it's you I'll remember. Their faces and names may have faded, but I'll never let yours' do the same. I'll polish and cherish them, so if, one day, I can finally die, I will think of you, and hope that I'll see your charming face and hear your beautiful voice again. Until then, never, Ianto Jones, never will I forget you.

Just as you shift for a last time and are still, a part of me dies, and I know it won't come back. I try to call you back to me, but I know deep inside that you're gone. Now I'm alone. So alone and empty, because now, it really sinks in. I knew I loved you and never told you.

I think briefly of vengeance, however it can wait, because right now, as I feel myself losing air and the world going dark, I think only of saving you and putting all my life, love, and words I never said into a kiss of life, at least, I hope.

As I finally die and leave my misery, my thoughts reach out to you. Please, somewhere out there, Ianto, I hope that you can feel this perfect kiss and know that I love you and I'm sorry I never told you. I'll be waiting for you on the other side.

**AN:** So, I might add another chapter about what Jack think as he's resurrects and Ianto didn't…. what do you guys think? Too much angst? Pretty please comment, let me know what you think.


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